Life After Divorce
by HM WeimarThis whole life after divorce thing is hard. Where do you start to get your life back after you have made it through the grieving stages? When is it ok to start dating again? When will you be ready? I receive emails with these questions all the time. It is another hard question to answer. It seems that all questions concerning divorce are hard to answer.
Things you want to look at about you:
Are you still going through your divorce? If you say yes then you may want to wait. Some people are not willing to deal with what you are going through. It would probably depend on whether it is an amicable divorce or not. Are you going through a lot of hearings, disputes or orders? It is hard to stand alone through that stuff when you want to feel cared about but sometimes taking someone with you through that can cause the relationship to be stress based. In other words you are leaning on them for strength and what is going to happen when you don't need them for that anymore? If you say no then please keep reading.
Are you still holding any anger towards your ex-spouse? If you say yes then chances are you are not ready. You will be taking that baggage into the next relationship. It would not hurt you to date a bit but you may pick the same type of a person or get attached easily because you want that anger to go away. You want to find someone to make you feel better about your choices before, that you didn't make the wrong choice about that type person. You may latch onto someone who sympathizes with your situation because you get validation. So if you decide to date and you are still holding onto that then you may want to make sure you do not do that to them or yourself. Make sure you are only looking to see what is out there so to speak, not to get tied down and back into that same cycle. If you say no then you may be ready.
Are you accepting the divorce? Are you in agreement with it? You know it's the best thing and that the marriage is gone and you are not sitting around still trying to find ways to fix it. If you say yes then you may be ready. It is ok to have a few marriage memories here and there. It actually helps us to know what we do want in a relationship. But if you are constantly having them then you may not be ready. You need to find a way to get through this without finding a replacement for that memory. Don't put someone else in there to fill that gap because you still want to be married. You will end up hurting yourself and others in the process by stepping into it too soon.
Things to look at in you life:
Are you standing on your own two feet? Have you made it through the whole divorce process and began to be able to take care of your life alone? If yes, then you may be ready. It is almost like an addiction. You have to be able to say no to it all the time and be strong about it before you are actually starting to heal. The same goes for the divorce. You have to be able to say no to leaning on someone else and be strong before you are actually healing. It is a rewarding feeling when that happens and you may be able to start dating without thinking all the time whether they are marriage material or if you can get them to stay with you. When you have an addiction you are dependant on the addiction to make you feel good. When you have marriage sometimes you become dependant on that other person to make you feel good. You need to learn to be dependant on you making you feel good. That will most likely ensure that you are not picking some one for convenience sake but because you want to.
Does everyone look like a potential date to you? If you say yes then most likely you are not ready. This is almost a desperate stance to fill a position in your life. You are looking at everyone hoping for someone. Not to say that maybe everyone in your path just happens to be your type but making a list of potentials that ends up being every person you come in contact with for more than a hello may be a bit much. You should probably wait until you start to look at other factors than just them belonging to the right gender. I am sorry to put it so bluntly but I have actually done this too and understand how it feels. I think if someone would have been blunt with me then I would have seen it sooner. I want to be able to help you be ready sooner rather than waiting for you to figure out what to do to get there.
Does no one look like a potential date to you? You have been searching for a bit and no one seems to measure up. You may not be ready to date in the first place. Maybe the reason why no one looks good is because you don't want them to look good. I remember watching " Friends: the television show. Chandler always found something wrong with everyone he went out with. Even small things. He did that because in actuality he really didn't want to be with anyone at all but felt he needed to date. You do not need to date. It is not required. No matter how many times your family and friends tell you that you should be out there, if you are not ready you don't need to be.
If there are other issues in your divorce, such as protection or restraining orders, you may want to wait until those are in effect or things have settled down. You may want to discuss dating issues with your children if they are old enough. Take a look at things that are in your life and see if you have space for you in there somewhere. If you don't then you need to make that time first before you add someone else. Different situations will call for different answers. If you have a different situation and are unsure if you are ready chances are that you are not, but you can comment below or send me an email at hmweimar@yahoo.com or you can find me ontwitter,facebook andmyspace, I will do what I can to help you through this. Please leave a comment and let us know you were here, leave your ideas on things to look at or what helped you know you were ready for others so that they can learn too. Thank you for reading today and we hope to see you back soon.
Article submitted Monday, June 28, 2010 & read 8 times.
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