Can you reconcile

We touched on reconciliation in another article but we have not used it as a topic yet. In this article I would like to see if we can find some ideas on how to reconcile the marriage, if possible. Some of you may be in a position where has been talked about therefore it may be important to look at some of the pro's and con's, emotional issues and learning to forgive and forget.
Most states require that the marriage is irretrievably broken before they will allow the divorce. We touched on the subject before but if you are considering the reconciliation, is it irretrievably broken? There seems to be more questions than answers out there on this subject. Stumbling through the grieving stages of divorce can cause you to look at things differently so we need to try and look at things realistically.

These are things to consider

1. Why did the marriage break?
Issues that cause the break up of a marriage can vary. Each situation is different and it effects each person differently. Sometimes there are things that are just too hard to deal with and if either party is not willing to make the changes needed to fix them, then most likely you are irretrievable broken. One thing that I don't feel that people think about anymore is the fact that marriage is a union. It is a promise between two people to work things out and do it together. When an issue arises you need to find a way to work on it together instead of trying to go it alone, as two separate people. Finding a way to do it together is the first step in trying to reconcile the marriage. Both parties have to agree that they will take every step, together. Once you do that and re-make that promise you will be amazed at what you can accomplish and what it will do for you marriage. Each stumbling block you go through and make it through will make the bond stronger.

2. Would counseling bring it back?
Couples face a huge range of issues, especially in today’s world with the economy the way it is. Finances can tend to drag down the communication. Sometimes having a third party to look at things from a different point of view or translate what they hear or see does help. There seems to be a huge stigma about counseling, that it means you need help or can't deal with things alone. Let's face it. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes it takes those extra eyes or translators to help you see things differently. It is something to consider and there are programs out for low or no cost. There are groups you can join for couples therapy. If you are both willing to go then it may help you get passed those things in your marriage that may seem like a big deal now but over the long run if you work it out, they don't. Again, it takes two, it would be a decision that you two would have to make as a couple and you would both have to be willing to listen. Stepping into counseling means you both want to listen to what the counselor or other person has to say. You are willing to face hard questions and find real answers to solve the issues. If you are then counseling would most likely help you make the decision whether your marriage could be retrieved.

3. Would time bring it back?
Sometimes just taking some time together can help. I do believe in separation for some couples but you have to take that separation time as cool off space, not out looking for something space. I am sure that you all understand what I mean. Some people believe that separation means you are on your way to divorce. That is not always what happens. What the legal separation process actually means is that there is still hope for the marriage but you are taking the time to be apart to work on other issues and hopefully miss each other. It separates you financially basically. Some people still live together during the separation process but you need to realize that really doesn't take any pressure off the marriage. Unless you are working on the issues, no process will help. I tried to suggest separation to my spouse so that we could date and find each other again without the stress of the kids and other household issues. He took it as I didn't want him anymore. You need to make sure that you feeling and ideas are conveyed to your spouse and do your best to make them realize that time may heal those wounds. That you still love them but you need time to process whatever issues there may be. I know for one that if my husband actually heard what I was saying and listened to the fact that I just wanted to find each other again, that our marriage could have been retrieved within a matter of weeks or a couple of months. I needed to see the effort. Again, it takes two and you will need to make sure you are communicating exactly what you need, that it is heard. This would be a good time for counseling if you have made the decision together to do that. They could help you communicate those needs if you are not being heard.

4. Are the issues things that can be forgotten?
Are the issues in the marriage things you can truly let go of? Are they things that can be put away and forgotten? This is a personal decision that is very hard for some people, especially if the issue keeps arising. If these are pattern issues chances are it will not change without help. Most people can not stop habits without help and you will have to decide for yourself if it is something that you can handle. No matter which direction you decide to go on this decision you may still want to consider counseling as an option. Even going by yourself to deal with the issue. If you are wanting to reconcile or save the marriage, forgetting the issue and moving forward is a personal choice. I know for my marriage that I was willing to forget but my spouse was not willing to let go of the fact that I already knew about the issue. There was a measure of guilt I think on his part. It did not matter how many times I told him that I could forget it, he still brought it up without realizing it. It was his personal decision to not get help or hear what I was saying. Each situation is different and has to be dealt with differently. Take some hard looks at the issues and see if you can decide together and communicate an answer to the question being asked.

5. How do you forgive?
Wow, hard question to answer. This was brought up in an email I received. How do you teach someone how to forgive. I personally don't know. I can tell you that you need to do it whether you reconcile or not, otherwise you carry the anger forever and bind both of you to the issue. The best way to explain that is to have you picture a tug of war, with the issue in the middle. Both of you pulling and tugging in both directions, no one winning. Not forgiving seems to leave you in this tug of war. Forgiveness brakes that rope in the middle, both of you being let go, the issue gone. Whether you decide to stay together or not, forgiveness is a must so that you can both be let go and released from blame or the tug of it.

6. Resources
There are some resources listed on my profile page. As well as below.
National Directory of Marriage & Family Counseling
Marriage and Family Therapist and Counselor Directory
Marriage MD

Thank you for reading my article today. I have learned to work through things instead of getting over them and hopefully some of these tips will help you. Please do not be afraid to comment below and let people know you were here. If you have anything you would like to share you can email me at hmweimar@yahoo.com or find me on twitter,facebook and myspace, I will add it to one of my articles. This area belongs to all of us that are experiencing a loss and dealing with everything that goes along with it. We are all going through the same things and this is a place to find each other.