Children Grieve Too
by HM WeimarIt's hard enough to raise a child these days. But add divorce on top of that and things get even more complicated. There are so many issues that arise and sometimes it's hard for the adult in the situation to realize that the children are being affected in the same way. The adults are usually losing a romantic relationship but the children emotionally go through the same grieving process. I think it's important that we look at divorce from a Childs perspective so that we can understand their separation anxiety.
Not only do couples usually fight before the actual split up but after they live in two homes. Sometimes the children must decide where they would like to spend the majority of their time. They are pressured by both parents to choose one house or the other. So not only are they dealing emotionally with the loss of one of the adults in their life, but they are called upon to make a choice about who is more important. I don't think as adults we are able to make a choice about who could be most important in our lives, now were asking kids to do it. Thank God the courts are now realizing this isn't a very healthy way to go through the process of splitting the home. The children are left with guilt either way, letting someone, like a guardian ad litem decide, takes some of the pressure off the children and helps the courts see a different perspective on the situation.
Something else that kids have to deal with when their parents live in separate homes is the drama of being bused back and forth for every other weekend, or whatever your schedule is. Packing a bag for dads or mom's, being away from what they are used to and trying to adjust when they get back at the end of a visit. Stability is important to kids. As we talked about above, they are already going through the same stress as us in this grieving process, now we are bouncing them back and forth from home to home. It is important that we make this process as easy as possible and have some patience as they adjust to the schedule. Keep the schedule as normal as possible, as regular as possible and as stress free as we possibly can so that kids will learn it. They will grow to see it as stable because it will become normal. We just need to give them time to grieve and move their step forward.
Something else we need to do for them not ask them what happened at the other parent’s house, what is happening with the other parent, as far as dating or any other situation. Not putting your kids in the middle means not putting them in the middle. Don't make them feel like they are taking one side or the other in situation. Let them find their own way to equal, their own way to deal with new people, or any other changes they may face. Asking them how their weekend was is different than asking what they did with other parent. I am not saying walk on egg shells but think about the pressure their under and watch your words. Don't make them feel like they are your spy. This will relieve a lot of added stress on them. Make them feel less shuttled and guilty and give them room to grieve the relationship.
We know that we are dealing with a break up and all the ramifications of it, the depression and morning, but we don't seem to realize that the kids go through that too. They get used to things being a certain way, whether it was a marriage or just a dating relationship. When that person leaves and isn't around anymore the kids will go through the same sort of morning process although not as the spouse or significant other but it is still a process. We need to help them through this. We need to take the time to see them standing in front of us and reacting to the situation along with us. It'll be easier emotionally on all of you if you do.
Thank you for reading my article today. Hopefully it finds you a little better prepared for your children and feeling a little less alone. If you would like to tell us your story, share some advice or just talk, you can leave a comment below or email me hmweimar@yahoo.com or find me on twitter, facebook and myspace.
Article submitted Monday, June 28, 2010 & read 6 times.
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