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The Tea: An Open, Desperate Plea To Rihanna

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Rihanna

Welcome to The Tea, where I discuss the opinions that I’ve been simmering on, served hot.

Today’s brew: An open letter to Queen Rihanna.

Hello? Is this the police? I would like to report a crime.

This week, I learned of the horrifying news that it has officially been four entire years since Rihanna has put out new music. Yep, her last album, a work of perfection titled Anti was released all the way back on January 28, 2016. The album went double-platinum. As a member of Rihanna’s fanbase, lovingly referred to as her Navy, I was so obsessed with every song on the album that by the time the Anti World Tour came to New York, I forced my friend to come with me despite the fact that he’d gotten stitches in his face the night before. Not my problem, Andrew. Rihanna was coming.

But now we are facing darker times. I feel myself longing for the days that I would walk just about everywhere in the entire world and hear Rihanna telling me over a dance hall beat to get ready to “work, work, work, work, work.”

Rihanna

Rihanna, presumably consoling DJ Khaled who is also outraged about her lack of new music (credit: Erik Voake/Getty Images for Roc Nation)

And speaking of work, I’m going to go ahead and say that I get it, Rihanna has been working on a ton of other projects. She now has a slew of profitable businesses that all fall under the RiRi umbrella (ella, ella, ay). And I will begrudgingly admit that they are all pretty impressive. FINE. There’s Fenty Beauty, the makeup company that finally got all the other makeup companies to be like “okay, fine, maybe skin colors don’t just come in 5 shades!” And then there is the Fenty fashion house, a major luxury fashion house that finally has a black woman in charge, a first for the industry. Shocking, yet exciting. And we cannot forget about her Savage x Fenty lingerie line, where heart shaped, single-use pasties are $12. Okay, I’ll admit I don’t love that one.

Rihanna

Rihanna, raising a glass that is presumably filled with my tears (credit: Lia Toby/BFC/Getty Images)

As I sit in my office, with the radio playing a modern day remix of “the wheels on the bus go round and round” (really, look up “Wheels on the Bus” by Melanie Martinez), I realize that we are in desperate times. A disturbia, if you will.

But consider this either my desperate plea or the official announcement of my class action lawsuit (the People v. Rihanna). S.O.S. please, someone help me, this is not healthy.

Rihanna comments instagram

Rihanna, lying to all of us (credit: Instagram/badgalriri)

Rihanna, your Navy needs you. We’ve gone four years lost at sea. Put down the lingerie and give us a damn bop.

In sum, RiRi, where have you been? Please don’t stop the music.

The Tea is a monthly column for Icepop Magazine by Kendall Breitman. Kendall is a recovering political reporter who has covered current events for MSNBC, Bloomberg, and Politico. She shares all of her wild wild thoughts on Twitter, so na na come on and follow her (see what we did there).

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