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Try These Jokes The Next Time You Need An IRL Comeback

Have you ever been insulted or offended by someone, but you don’t come up with the perfect clapback until hours after The Event? That’s the worst. Instead of getting caught out with nothing snarky to say or do in return, you need a repertoire of comebacks at the ready. We got you, boo.

Retail Revenge

Retail workers, unite! The next time an irate shopper decides to berate you over long lines, a maxed out credit card, or an expired coupon, forget about pretending that the customer is always right. In response to someone threatening your livelihood over some BS, look that person right in the eye and remind them that you know where they live. Then watch them flee.

Aiman Zenn/Unsplash

The “Don’t You Know Who I Am?” Defense

How far back do your eyes roll when some entitled trash fire tries to pull rank with make-believe prestige? If you’re ever presented with someone who genuinely asks, “Don’t you know who my father is?” then your reply is simple, succinct, and to the point: “What’s the matter, baby? Did your mother not tell you his name?”

Alex Iby/Unsplash

The Shade Of It All

Too few people know what it means to throw shade for real. They bandy about the expression as if they’ve done something clever. Should any poseur ever crow about his or her ability to throw mad shade in front of you, agree with them. Just say, “Yeah, you do cast a pretty wide shadow, bro.”

Tyson Dudley

A Question Of Perspective

Sometimes, discussions get stuck at an impasse. Try as you might to see the other person’s point-of-view, you ultimately realize that you’re dealing with someone who has no desire to consider an opposing opinion. That’s okay. End the argument on good terms by informing the other person. Say, “I’m sorry, I’m trying to see things from your perspective, but I can’t get my head that far up my butt so we’ll have to agree to disagree.” Boom.

Slim Emcee (UG) the poet Truth_From_Africa_Photography/Unsplash

Sucking At Sucking

It happens. There’s always some booger eater who has to let you know you’re not good at something. “Hey,” they say, “did anyone ever tell you that you suck at volleyball/skating/painting/flirting/gymnastics?” Here’s what you tell them in return: “Nobody who matters, buddy.” You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

Have you ever supplied an epic comeback in record time? Tell us about it.


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